Using Nonviolent Communication in Relationships
Nonviolent communication leads to understanding and respect
Many of the individuals who come to me for therapy express dismay and frustration with our society’s current climate of mistrust and use of attack language. That unhealthy pattern of dialogue can show up in various aspects of our lives: online, at work and in personal relationships. The good news is that many people have begun to seek a better way, and nonviolent communication offers one avenue for creating an atmosphere of trust and respect. In his book, “Say What You Mean,” author Oren Jay Sofer encourages people to reconnect with their compassionate nature, even in conflict. He writes:
“Intimacy is born in conflict. Difference can bring us together and help us know one another. Friction can be creative and synergistic, leading to new ideas and perspectives. These kinds of conversations are characterized by very different intentions than our unconscious communication behavior.”
For many people, conflict connotes negativity and even pain, but taking a nonviolent view of conflict – as Sofer describes – places it in a positive light. From this perspective, conflict offers individuals an opportunity to better understand each other and to develop stronger bonds as a result.
Your Compassionate Nature
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., described nonviolent communication as “the language of life.” He founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication with that in mind. From his view, humans’ natural set point resides in compassion. He pondered the question:
“What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively? And conversely, what allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?”
He described Detroit race riots during his childhood, and bigotry he personally experienced as a Jewish youth, as the genesis for his study of nonviolent communication. He also recounted the story of a woman who retained her compassion even while experiencing the horrors of a German concentration camp during WWII. Most daily conflict doesn’t take such an extreme form, but some day-to-day interactions can still leave us feeling angry, fearful, resentful and gloomy about life. A shift in mindset and perspective, however, can help us reframe disagreements and confrontations. When you begin to see yourself as a compassionate being, your reactions to others change. For example, when a coworker yells in a meeting, your compassionate nature may help you react with empathy rather than defensiveness or ire. You might reflect that your coworker has more going on than what is visible in that room, and your empathy might encourage you to react calmly and with understanding. That measured reaction will help you ask questions, give the person space to calm down and allow you both to continue the conversation in a more productive way. In personal relationships, such as with a romantic partner, family member or friend, your compassion and empathy expand because you have a stake in that person’s well-being. While the people closest to you can often prompt the most intense emotions, including anger and frustration, you also have the greatest opportunity to feel empathy for them since you know them in a more intimate way. In addition, you have a lot to gain from seeking a mutually beneficial outcome to conflict. As you navigate all your relationships from a place of compassion, you have the chance to strengthen them.
The Power of Needs and Emotions
As you begin a practice of nonviolent communication in your relationships, you need to understand that conflict usually stems from people’s unmet needs and hidden emotions. Identifying your own needs and emotions can give you valuable insight into your personal role in the conflict. In addition, it can help you develop empathy for what the other person might be needing or feeling. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers two lists of words that can help you identify these needs and feelings in yourself and in others:
The Needs Inventory
This list includes words related to humans’ need for connection, physical well-being, autonomy, play, peace, honesty and meaning. For example:
- Appreciation
- Acceptance
- Safety
- Inclusion
- Respect
- Rest/sleep
- Shelter
- Freedom
- Learning
- Hope
If a person’s basic needs, such as food and shelter, have not been met, it’s easy to see how they might move through the world in a depleted way. For others, you might not see their unmet needs as easily. However, a need for respect or autonomy could explain some of their unhealthy or destructive behavior and reactions. Taking the time to uncover these needs in yourself, and to identify them in others, naturally can build compassion.
The Feelings Inventory
This list offers individuals a starting point for expressing themselves and for opening up positive communication. When needs are not met, people feel: afraid, annoyed, angry, confused, disconnected, vulnerable and more. They use words like:
- Worried
- Scared
- Irritated
- Outraged
- Disgusted
- Apathetic
- Bored
- Lonely
- Depressed
- Hopeless
When needs are met, they feel affectionate, engaged, hopeful, confident, excited, grateful, inspired, joyful, exhilarated, peaceful and refreshed. They use words like:
- Loving
- Curious
- Optimistic
- Proud
- Safe
- Secure
- Thankful
- Passionate
- Centered
- Relaxed
- Happy
Don’t we all aspire to that second list? And don’t we all want to spend time with others who feel that way, too? Nonviolent communication empowers people to express their needs and to have them met. When you can approach conflict with that goal in mind for both sides, you can break the cycle of anger and destruction in your relationships.
If you would like to learn more about nonviolent communication and how to apply it in your own life, contact me for an appointment. I work with individuals, couples and families throughout the Denver metro area.
Sincerely,
