The Ugly Side of Perfectionism and Rumination

Perfectionism and rumination can have debilitating effects for people

We live in a society that values people who strive for something. Hard work, dedication, perseverance and perfectionism garner attention and praise. But what happens when perfectionism and rumination take a darker turn? Striving to be better – or the best – comes at a cost for many people. Let’s take a closer look at why letting go of perfectionism can do wonders for your well-being:

An Age of Perfectionism

Just a few weeks ago, Harvard Business Review reported on a troubling trend of perfectionism among young people, and it’s not limited to the United States. Adolescents and young adults around the globe seem to be suffering from a need to be perfect, according to data from the World Health Organization:

“Increasingly, young people hold irrational ideals for themselves, ideals that manifest in unrealistic expectations for academic and professional achievement, how they should look, and what they should own. Young people are seemingly internalizing a pre-eminent contemporary myth that things, including themselves, should be perfect.”

HBR conducted a survey of its own to learn more about this trend, saying “The idea that perfectionism might be behind the recent rise in serious mental illness was the impetus for our latest piece of research published in Psychological Bulletin.” The researchers go on to write:

“Perhaps the most concerning trend documented in our analysis is that of socially prescribed perfectionism. It increased at twice the rate of self-oriented and other-oriented perfectionism. It is also the form of perfectionism that exhibits the largest association of all the dimensions with a host of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social phobia, and suicidal thoughts. The increase in socially prescribed perfectionism makes for a compelling backdrop for almost epidemic levels of serious mental illness in young people.”

That section is bold screams out to me as a therapist. I work with many people who struggle with these issues, and I believe it is imperative that individuals find a way to reduce the impact of perfectionism on their lives.

Perfectionism and Rumination

It’s far too easy to brush off perfectionism as a hallmark of straight-A students and high achievers. People assume that high-achievers have it made with endless opportunities ahead of them, but at what cost? And what about the individuals who don’t quite reach their self-prescribed level of perfection and then fall into a cycle of depression or anxiety? Perfectionists are prone to rumination, and rumination is one symptom of both depression and anxiety. In short, when you ruminate, you replay negative experiences or thoughts in your head over and over again. For perfectionists, that can take the form of focusing on a perceived failure or a time when they fell short of the mark. They feel imperfect and inadequate, and rumination reinforces that unhealthy view of themselves. In a piece for Thrive, Drake Baer writes:

“Over the past three decades, these researchers have found that far from being a quirk of high-achievers, an innocent humblebrag you give to job interviewers when they ask you what your greatest weakness is (“I’m sometimes a perfectionist”)—this way of approaching life creates or amplifies all sorts of mental health issues. It also signals a problematic relationship with the self.”

That last line makes my heart sink, because I have worked with too many clients who struggle with that most important relationship. Their inner voices are like an incessant critic who has nothing but unkind words and judgements to share. These people get trapped in listening to that inner critic and have an incredibly difficult time noticing or appreciating their own positive traits or successes in life.

How to Break the Perfectionism Cycle

1. Notice the Good. Neuroscience research shows that, especially for people with depression, the brain retains and recalls memories of negative events more easily. One way to counteract that is by taking note of good events, even small ones. Keep a daily gratitude journal and write down three (or more!) good things from each day. There are even apps that make it easy to track the good on your phone (search “gratitude journal” for more options). The idea is to retrain your brain to remember more of the good and less of the negative. Look back on your journal entries when you feel particularly stressed or down to give your brain a positive boost.

2. Make a Decision and Act on It. For perfectionists, simply making a decision can feel overwhelming, but again neuroscience shows that the making a choice can break the negative cycles in your brain. “Making decisions includes creating intentions and setting goals — all three are part of the same neural circuitry and engage the prefrontal cortex in a positive way, reducing worry and anxiety,” writes neuroscientist Alex Korb in his book on overcoming depression, “The Upward Spiral.”

3. Silence Your Inner Critic. I know, this one is a challenge, but make a point to notice when your inner critic is starting to get noisy. It can be helpful to actually tell him or her to “Shut up!” or “Stop it!” (Think of Bob Newhart as you do and get a little laugh in the process.) Building awareness of your inner critic helps you stop the negative thought pattern before it starts. Over time, you can develop skill in altering that thought pattern completely.

4. Exercise. We think of exercise as a way to stay physically fit, but it should be part of your mental fitness regimen as well:

“Exercise is a powerful way to combat feelings of stress because it causes immediate increases in levels of key neurotransmitters, including serotonin, noradrenalin, dopamine and endorphins, that are often depleted by anxiety and depression. That’s why going for a run or spending 30 minutes on the elliptical can boost our moods immediately—combatting the negative feelings we often associate with chronic stressors we deal with every day.” (Wendy Suzuki, Quartz)

In addition, exercise can help you shift your focus and attention, which can obviously help you address rumination. It can also help your memory improve (and, of course, you’ll be focusing on those good memories now, right?).

5. Reach Out. Ask your trusted friends and family for help. Tell them that you are working on letting go of your inner critic, and ask them to share happy memories with you. These people love you, and they see you for who you really are. Also, trust them when they pay you a compliment, because they mean it. Those compliments are also based on their real experience of you. When your inner critic starts to plant seeds of doubt, recall one of those compliments or happy memories – and tell your inner critic to knock it off.

Counseling can also be a great way to work through issues with perfectionism and rumination. Your therapist can help you bring your negative thought patterns into the light and make them a little less scary. He or she can also give you practical tools for changing those patterns and replacing them with healthier, positive ones. You only have one you, and your mental and physical health matter more than some perceived notion of perfection. You are a perfect you, and your well-being will improve as you begin to shed the weight of perfectionism.

To learn more about the benefits of individual therapy, contact me to set up an appointment. My practice serves individuals, couples, and families in the central Denver area.

Sincerely,