Making Marriage Work
Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

At the beginning of relationships, many couples feel nothing but hope and bliss. You want that feeling to last forever, but in reality, you don’t always feel blissful about your partner. However, there are ways to deepen your connection and remind yourselves why you fell in love in the first place. John Gottman, Ph.D., developed Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to help guide couples. While his research and language are mostly formulated around a marriage between a man and woman, which may be offensive to some people as it does not address same sex couples and/or people who are not married, I think his ideas can still be very helpful for all couples.

So, what are the Seven Principles?

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Oh, don’t we all wish we had a map to love? That would have simplified dating tremendously, huh? Gottman’s love map goes a little deeper than just directions on paper, however. This love map refers to knowing your partner well.

He explains:

“…emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world…They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.”

In short, understanding your partner’s history, likes, dislikes, dreams and more helps you develop a deeper and more intimate connection with him or her. That knowledge helps build a strong bond, which helps couples weather difficult times in their lives.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Have you heard the phrase, “Familiarity breeds contempt”? Unfortunately, this adage plays out in marriage too often. We fall into the routine of our daily lives: work, parenting, health issues, etc. Somewhere along the way, couples can forget to show their partners affection, kindness and admiration.

When is the last time you looked into your partner’s eyes? When did you last hold hands or cuddle on the couch? Do you remember your first date and what drew you to your partner in the first place? Taking the time to remember what you love about your partner can help you remember to show gratitude and affection.

Gottman writes:

“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and lost-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may be driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.”

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

In his book, Gottman describes little, everyday moments between couples that help “fill their emotional bank accounts.” Looking up from a newspaper and responding to your spouse’s question or comment might seem like no big deal on the surface, but those moments of attention – of turning toward each other – can help your partner feel valued.

In contrast, ignoring your spouse, not really listening, or responding with half-hearted grunts can have the opposite effect.

So, think about small ways you can better turn toward your partner. Here are just a few ideas:

• Join him/her on a humdrum errand; share everyday life moments together
• Listen to him/her tell that story for the umpteenth time
• Leave a note of encouragement before a big meeting at work
• Look him/her in the eye and respond to even the most mundane questions

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Dr. Gottman’s research shows there’s an 81 percent chance a marriage won’t last if a man won’t share power with his wife? He points out that women are more likely than men to consider their spouse’s point of view.

His team conducted a study that showed that “the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those where the husband treated his wife with respect and did not resist power-sharing and decision-making with her.”

At the heart of allowing your partner to influence your decisions is basic respect. Beginning any day from a place of respect toward your partner can help strengthen your relationship. So, the next time you are tempted to make a decision without consulting your partner, think again. Seek his or her influence and allow your partner to become a valuable resource in your life together.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

What are the one or two conflicts that seem to pop up regularly in your relationship? Do you and your partner follow the same argument pattern each time?

Wouldn’t it be amazing to change that pattern – and actually resolve the conflict for a change? Sometimes you need to take a fresh look and a new approach to an old problem, and Gottman suggests the following steps to do so:

• Soften your startup. Bring up an issue without resorting to insults or defensiveness.
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts. Find ways to agree with your partner or offer compliments along the way, without attacking each point your partner makes.
• Soothe yourself and each other. Before tension builds in your body, find a way to soothe your emotions, or take a break and come back to the discussion later.
• Compromise. When you compromise, you accept your partner’s influence (see above).
• Be tolerant of each other’s faults. Cut each other some slack and try not to hold grudges or change your partner.

Break the pattern of rehashing your old, tired arguments. Resolve them and move on. Your relationship will be stronger for it. While not all problems are solvable, many are. For the problems that are unsolvable, Gottman suggests establishing a dialogue about them to avoid gridlock (see principle 6 below).

6. Overcome Gridlock.

Are you and your partner gridlocked over a particular issue? You want to live in the city while they dream of the country life? Your partner wants a new car, but you don’t think it’s in the budget? You can’t agree on where to retire?

Gottman recommends looking below the surface of the argument (the what) to uncover the deeper dream behind it (the why). Maybe the partner dreaming of a country life wants to feel a deeper sense of peace in life, or the one who wants a new car is seeking a feeling of safety? When you can talk more freely about the hidden dream, you may be better able to approach the conversation with more understanding, and in turn be more supportive toward your partner.

Gottman writes:

“Understand that your issue is not to resolve the conflict – it will probably never go away completely. Instead, the goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue; to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a great source of pain.”

7. Create Shared Meaning.

I love this principle, because it takes a relationship a little deeper. It goes beyond daily habits and routines. It’s about creating a “culture” together.

Think about that idea for a moment. Especially if you don’t feel all that connected to the broader culture around you – your neighborhood, your city, your country – you can create a unique and comfortable culture in your own relationship that meshes with your values, personality and dreams.

Gottman writes:

“Developing a culture doesn’t mean a couple sees eye to eye on every aspect of their life’s philosophy. Instead, there’s a meshing. They find a way of honoring each other’s dreams even if they don’t always share them.”

Take time to discuss your values and dreams with your partner, and then find ways to express them together as a couple. That can take the form of shared experiences (travel, for example), symbols in your home (items of personal significance that represent you as a couple), or even rituals and traditions.

If you are looking for ways to improve your relationship and deepen your connection with your partner, contact me to set up an appointment. I am a Denver therapist located near the Cherry Creek, Glendale, Washington Park, Virginia Village, Lowry, Montclair, Hilltop and Congress Park neighborhoods.

Sincerely,