Identifying Your Couple Conflict Style

In your marriage or long-term relationship, do you often feel like you’re repeating versions of the same argument over and over again? If so, here are some ideas to help you break old patterns to improve your relationship!

Often, even if the topic of disagreement changes (money, sex, kids, quality time, extended family issues, etc.), you are left with an all-too-familiar uneasy feeling after each argument with your partner. You don’t feel heard or understood, and that can breed frustration and resentment that chips away at your couple bond.

Regardless of what triggers an argument between you, it can be helpful to examine your personal conflict styles and how that impacts your marriage or relationship.

Below are a few common conflict styles:

• Competitive. When hurt, provoked or threatened, competitive conflict types tend to raise their voices to gain control in a disagreement. This style is aggressive and makes use of coercive strategies.
• Yielding. People with a yielding conflict style tend to suppress their own needs in favor of keeping the peace. They might give in to others’ demands while not communicating their own needs or wants.
• Compromising. Compromisers take a slightly different approach than yielders: They will give in on some points, but stand firm on others in a negotiation dance. While compromise can be positive in some cases, compromisers sometimes value the perception of give-and-take over sharing true feelings, wants or needs.
• Avoidant. Conflict often feels overwhelming and frightening to people with an avoidant conflict style. They shut down, avoid communication and don’t share their viewpoint in an effort to prevent an argument from escalating. This response can result in festering anger, sadness and no resolution.

Which one sounds the most like you? Your partner? If you are both competitive types, your arguments are likely loud and passionate, but often don’t result in a satisfactory resolution for either of you. If you are both compromisers, you might reach a sort of superficial end to the argument, but could both be left with lingering resentment because of what was left unsaid.

Be honest with yourself about your conflict style. It is human nature to cope with conflict in these varying ways, because conflict can signal danger in our brains. We want to maintain stasis and stability, and conflict often seems to threaten that.

However, remember that couple conflict can be positive. Truly communicating your feelings with your partner can bring you closer, and working together on life’s challenges can bring you both a greater sense of contentment. Positive conflict can bring about a new problem-solving style in your relationship:

Collaborative. When couples approach inevitable conflict with a collaborative focus, it allows barriers between you to come down. When a disagreement pops up, take a step back and remind yourself that working together to resolve it is in your best interest – as individuals and as a pair.

The goal in a collaborative conflict environment is not winning, or even avoiding conflict, but using the conflict to foster greater understanding and intimacy as a couple.

We all experience conflict in our personal and professional lives, and we all use different coping mechanisms.

In therapy, we work together to create a judgement-free space where you can explore your conflict style and learn new ways to address disagreements. In my couples therapy practice, I focus on listening to both partners to understand both of your viewpoints. There is no right or wrong, and I will work with you to help you and your partner achieve healthier communication and a more intimate relationship.

I am a Denver, CO therapist located near the Cherry Creek, Belcaro, Washington Park, Virginia Village, Glendale, Cory-Merrill, Washington Virginia Vale, Lowry, Montclair, Hilltop, Capitol Hill, and Congress Park neighborhoods.

Sincerely,