Growing from Adversity
Learning and growing from adversity; feeling more than the pain
When we inevitably experience loss or disappointment in life, we of course feel the sting and pain of these moments. Unfortunately, living a full human life means learning to cope with challenges and loss. Growing from adversity, rather than focusing only on the pain, gives us an opportunity to develop an even more well-rounded existence.
Acknowledging Loss and Grief
If you’re reading this post while in the midst of recovering from a loss, I know the idea of growth might be low on your priority list. I want to assure you that you should give yourself time and space to grieve, whether you have experienced the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, leaving school, facing substance abuse and recovery, the end of a relationship, or any number of difficulties. However, while the memory of the loss or traumatic experience will likely never disappear, you can learn to accept it, give it space, and rebuild your life in a meaningful way.
The mental health organization iCAAD talks about the importance of embracing loss in this article, saying:
“When we are unable to grieve, the process may stall, come to a standstill, go underground or manifest itself as depression or a physical illness.
Grief is a natural, mental, emotional, and cellular process which takes place in the human brain and body automatically in response to loss… leaving us eventually with a state of peace, acceptance, and sometimes greater wisdom.”
In other words, your future peace depends upon your ability to feel and process the loss.
When a Relationship Ends
I want to take some space to specifically address the end of a romantic relationships, because these endings often stir up some deep-seated emotions and reactions for my clients. Many single people seek out therapy to answer questions around their broken romantic relationships like “Is it me?” or “Am I not lovable?” Even when a client knows it was the right choice to move on from a past relationship, or must accept the other partner’s choice to do so, it’s a unique kind of loss that leaves most people feeling confused and questioning their own worth.
Jackson Mackenzie, author of “Psychopath Free” and “Whole Again,” specializes in helping people recover and heal from unhealthy relationships – often with a partner who exhibits an abusive behavior or psychological issues like complex PTSD or Codependency. He talks about how emotional wounds can “enter your body, mind and psyche” and how they impact your outlook and feelings of self-worth. In this video, he says:
“Some part of you might feel like, ‘Oh, no. I was permanently destroyed from this experience,’ and it’s just not the case.”
He describes the experience as a moment of “core wounding,” which likely had the elements of rejection, abandonment or betrayal. Those three elements, he says, are a “horrible triad of things that disconnect you from that sense of being ok and good as you are.” Those feelings of shock and unworthiness often lead people down a path of shame rather than one of hope and renewal.
If that resonates for you, you could need to take some time to focus on introspective development. You can learn to identify the deeper emotions and reactions sparked by the end of a relationship so that, when feelings of rejection or abandonment crop up, you can access healthy coping strategies rather than retreating in fear or allowing yourself to go numb.
Your goal after a break-up should not center on rehashing every interaction or judgement you experienced with your partner. Rather, processing those moments and associated emotions will allow you to better understand yourself, reframe your own needs and to move forward with a healthy sense of self.
Learning to Rebuild in Spite of Pain
Regardless of the type of adversity or loss you have experienced, you can learn to accept it, recover from it and rebuild a positive future for yourself.
To do so requires cultivating resilience. As the American Psychological Association notes, resilience is not about putting on a facade of happiness or never feeling pain. Rather:
“Being resilient doesn’t mean that a person won’t experience difficulty or distress. People who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives commonly experience emotional pain and stress. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.”
And, importantly:
“…resilience involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that anyone can learn and develop. The ability to learn resilience is one reason research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary.”
While you might feel small, weak or exhausted following a loss, you can tap into inherent human coping mechanisms that allow you to grow in your strength and confidence.
To develop your own resilience, focus on:
- Creating new connections. A strong support system helps every human develop a happier outlook and foothold in life. If you have lost an important person, look for ways to expand your circle by joining a new group or by reaching out to old friends or distant relatives. Be sure to seek out people who also have a healthy, positive outlook on life. Surrounding yourself with resilient people will help you develop your own.
- Welcoming new experiences. Trying something new, whether it’s tackling an academic course or degree or trying karaoke for the first time, expanding your horizons will help you develop confidence in your own abilities. Perfection is never the goal (remember: perfect is the enemy of good!); rather, these new endeavors should help show you that you are more than your past experiences.
- Reframing your thought processes. This one takes patience and practice, but resilient people learn to stop negative thought patterns in their tracks and replace them with more hopeful, positive themes.
- Seeking out positivity. If your newsfeed, family or friends leave you feeling depressed rather than energized or refreshed, remove yourself and seek out better news and people.
- Setting personal and professional goals. Goals can move you from a past-centered perspective into a forward-looking one. Setting incremental milestones will reward your progress and help you believe in your ability to achieve something new.
- Decide to fail well. Life involves risk, and not every decision will go to plan. Failures, small or large, are a given. However, if you choose ahead of time to either “succeed or learn,” you begin to see those not-so-great moments as opportunities rather than roadblocks.
The key to recovering from adversity lies within you. Right now, in this moment, you have the capacity to move out of a state of shame or fear and into one of strength and resilience. If you can begin with the belief in your own abilities to recover, that’s the first step.
Working with a skilled counselor can help you develop specific skills and strategies for processing loss and growing from adversity. To learn more about how I help my clients develop these important life skills, please peruse my website or contact me for an appointment.
Sincerely,
