Coping with Uncertainty During All Stages of Life

As a valuable life skill, coping with uncertainty will help you find peace and grow

For the past several months, we have collectively experienced unprecedented changes and anxiety related to the coronavirus pandemic. Many of us have worried about what’s next and how to plan for the future. In all stages of life, whether pandemic-related or otherwise, coping with uncertainty allows us to enjoy the here and now as we also move forward.

We do not have the ability to look into the future, but many of us spend a lot of time speculating about it. This attempt to guess what life has in store, and to plan for any scenario, can create a vicious cycle of worry and anxiety. It also robs us of joy in the moment. That might sound trite or cliche, but consider how much time you have wasted on past worries that never came true. Wouldn’t you love to have those days back?

Accepting Uncertainty as Part of Life

Take stock of your current situation. Did you always know that you would live in your current town or home? Could you have predicted each career opportunity that has presented itself? Do you have the same friends as you did five years ago? Have you experienced the loss of a loved one or pet? For the vast majority of us, each stage of life has brought its own set of surprises – both positive and negative.

When you take the time to consider what each surprise has added to your life, you can fully appreciate the depth of your unique human experience. Positive changes bring more security, contentment or fulfillment. Negative experiences or outcomes usually teach us something valuable about ourselves or the world around us. Each decision you have made brings a certain level of risk, but those risks can also open up new opportunities to live an even richer life (in all senses of the word).

In my practice, I work with many single people who long to find the love of their life. They seek a basic human need for connection and belonging with that one special person, and that’s a healthy goal. However, worry about when, where or how their future partner will appear can lead to unhealthy feelings of inadequacy and also prevent people from enjoying their lives right now.

The same holds true for unrealized career goals, worry about our future health (or family members’ well-being), longing for children and more. All of these important aspects of life do not arrive on a set schedule, or tied up in a pretty ribbon, and we all need to learn ways to be ok in the face of that uncertainty.

Understanding Anticipatory Anxiety

Constant worry about the future can lead to what’s known as anticipatory anxiety, which can affect your ability to manage day-to-day activities. Signs of anticipatory anxiety include:

• Replaying worst-case scenarios in your head
• Difficulty managing emotions or mood
• Trouble sleeping
• Changes in eating habits, loss of appetite or nausea
• Poor concentration
• General unsease or restlessness
• Loss of interest in favorite activities

While not a disorder on its own, this type of anxiety can present as part of generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder or other concerns. If you find yourself experiencing symptoms regularly, take it seriously.

Coping Strategies that Ground You in the Here and Now

You can learn to manage your worry and anxiety by using a variety of coping techniques. As you feel the onset of symptoms, try these techniques in the moment to regulate your physiological response to stress:

Breathe. Box breathing and other breathing techniques can stop the sympathetic nervous system (responsible for the flight or fight response) in its tracks. Patterned breathing with a focus on holding breath and deep exhaling will turn on your parasympathetic nervous system and return you to a calmer state.

Close your eyes and visualize. Closing your eyes takes your focus inward and reduces some of the external stimuli that might overwhelm you. Next, visualize a place that brings you feelings of peace and calm. Imagining a favorite vacation spot or comfortable room in your home can help you regain a sense of control.

Focus on one object. If you feel overwhelmed, focusing on one fixed point can give you time to settle.

Relax your muscles. Often used in yoga practice, this technique will help calm your brain as you actively tense and release different muscle groups. Start at your toes and flex the muscles in each area of your body for a few seconds. As you work your way up the body, you should feel yourself slowly let go of stress.

To prepare yourself for long-term, you can focus on developing a more holistic approach to your well-being. Consider the following:

Develop friendships. All humans need a social connection, but single people in particular should make an effort to cultivate healthy friendships. Friends can help you feel grounded and more active in life, which will help take the focus and pressure off finding a romantic partner.

Make time for favorite activities or new hobbies. As you focus on your own interests, you will also begin to explore more of what makes you uniquely you. This time can also lead you to new friends, new career or volunteer opportunities and more – all of which can promote a greater sense of satisfaction and contentment in life.

Exercise. While exercise can help you manage the immediate effects of stress in the midst of anxiety, it can also serve as a powerful long-term strategy for overall physical and mental health. People who exercise regularly tend to have a greater ability to self-regulate.

Create a healthy personal routine. Regular, scheduled sleep, nutritious food and healthy habits set the stage for healthier responses to stress. When your body has the rest and fuel it needs, it has the capacity to react to stressful stimuli from a more regulated place. Keep in mind that your brain needs rest as much as your body, so you may want to be more mindful about your social media and news consumption.

Therapeutic Approaches to Managing Uncertainty

Working with a counselor can also give you access to powerful coping strategies. He or she will support you as you learn, practice and apply proven strategies in real-life scenarios.

Two modalities I use in my work with people who experience anxiety include:

Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). This approach helps individuals reframe their thinking (cognition) as they react to events in their life and then change their behavior to support healthier responses.

According to helpguide:

“For people with anxiety disorders, negative ways of thinking fuel the negative emotions of anxiety and fear. The goal of cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety is to identify and correct these negative thoughts and beliefs. The idea is that if you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel.”

People who experience anticipatory anxiety often jump to negative conclusions about what will happen, and CBT helps them learn to replace those negative assumptions with more realistic ones.

For example, “If I am still single at 35, I will be single forever because I am not dating material” can become, “I haven’t met my future mate yet, but I know I will be a good partner when I do. In the meantime, I have a good life and I can enjoy being single.”

With practice, individuals learn how to identify, challenge and replace their knee-jerk negative thoughts with more productive and realistic ones.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). Research has shown ACT therapy to be an effective approach to treating anxiety, depression, trauma and more. According to anxietyhappens.com:

“The essential components of ACT include letting go of the struggle to control unwanted thoughts and feelings, being mindfully aware of the present moment, and committing to a course of action that is consistent with what you value most in life. In this way, ACT is about both acceptance and change. It is the acceptance of the thoughts and emotions that accompany a difficult but valuable act that allow you to take that action. Acceptance of your anxious thoughts and feelings allows you to focus more clearly on the present and to take the steps that move you closer to the life you truly want to live.”

At the center of this approach is awareness that humans like to have control over their environment. However, when we try to exert that control over our feelings, it results in a paradox that serves only to amplify them.

ACT prompts individuals to let go of that desire to control and instead seek acceptance of anxious feelings (and uncertainty in general). The goal of that acceptance is to move past the feelings and toward a commitment that moves your life forward. Your commitment will focus on what you value most in life, and those values will become the motivator for accepting and working through anxiety about all of life’s “what ifs.”

If you would like to learn coping strategies for living with uncertainty, reach out to me. I work with individuals, couples and families in the central Denver area who would like to move past the limits of anxiety, depression or other concerns to achieve a deeper sense of contentment and satisfaction in life.

Sincerely,