End the Blame Cycle with Empathy and Validation

Empathy and validation can change the way you relate to your partner

Before we dive into the importance of empathy and validation in intimate relationships, take a moment to recall the way you viewed your partner early in your relationship. Think beyond just the physical attraction you felt and try to remember the reasons you wanted to spend time with this new person in your life.

During your first few dates, this person impressed you enough to look forward to more dates. You knew the connection went deeper than a surface level and you wanted to know more. When you realized you had fallen in love, you probably wanted to spend all your free time in the company of your partner. You felt empowered. You felt understood.

How about now? If you’re reading this article, I will assume that the words “blame” and “validation” called out to you. Even when couples love each other deeply, the blame cycle in arguments and day-to-day life can begin to erode your connection.

Blame Stops Conversation

I am currently reading a powerful book, “Say What You Mean,” by Oren Jay Sofer, an author who teaches the arts of meditation, mindfulness and nonviolent communication. Throughout the book, he discusses how blame and defensiveness can stand in the way of meaningful conversation and connection. In a recent blog, he wrote:

“I hope you will take with you the importance the intention to understand, to come from curiosity and care, has in your interactions.

It involves weeding from our consciousness any blame, defensiveness, control, or manipulation and instead focusing on creating a quality of connection that is conducive to collaboration.”

In the beginning of most relationships, “curiosity and care” dominate your experience with that new, exciting person. You spend those early weeks and months asking so many questions and wanting to know more. So, when did you stop asking questions? When did curiosity and care turn into negative assumptions and blame?

If those questions hit you in the gut, it’s ok. Unfortunately, the pressures of daily life can get in the way of quality connection as you battle exhaustion, work stress, caring for children, money woes, health concerns and more.

While it’s normal and natural to want to defend yourself or deflect blame in an argument, those knee-jerk reactions lead to communication breakdowns. You and your partner stop listening – stop caring – and either shut down or escalate to yelling or name-calling. Whatever your argument style or pattern, you both leave the interaction feeling hurt, misunderstood, or even unloved.

Sofer goes on to share one of his key principles:

“The less blame and criticism in our words, the easier it will be for others to hear us.”

You can change the blame cycle. You can pause, even in the midst of conflict, and remember that you love this person. When you choose to respond with love and care, you will learn more about your partner’s true needs and desire to connect with you. In turn, you will be able to share your own needs and desires with your partner. That positive exchange, based on love and respect, leads to deeper intimacy.

Choose to Validate Rather than Defend

Our human physiological response to stress and conflict creates a feeling of “fight or flight,” even in situations that are not life-threatening. For many of us, our instinctive response is to lash out when we feel cornered or threatened.

In an argument with your partner, feeling blamed can cause your body to react as if you have been struck. You react with defensiveness. While words are the weapons in such a conflict, they can still inflict damage on you, your partner and your relationship.

In contrast, reacting with compassion and the “intention to understand” can lead to a much calmer (and productive!) discussion in which both parties feel safe, secure and even stronger in the relationship.

So, how do you stop the physiological defense response?

I like this quote from Broadway actor Okieriete Onaodowan, who played in “Hamilton”:

“To walk a mile in my shoes, you must first take off your own.”

You can use that imagery the next time you feel blamed or defensive with your partner (or really anyone you have a relationship with, for that matter). Take a moment to metaphorically sit down, untie and remove your shoes and put on your partner’s shoes.

In the time it takes to mentally walk through those steps, you will have slowed your heart rate and short-circuited your body’s response to conflict. If you physically sat down as you imagined taking off your shoes, even better. Sitting down removes some of your pent-up tension and readies you for conversation rather than conflict. Even taking one deep, relaxed breath, can make all the difference between a thoughtful and helpful response instead of a reactive one that will likely cause more misunderstanding and tension.

Next, remember that, when your partner raises an issue: It’s likely about them; not you. Yes, you feel blamed, and they might even think it is about you. However, what your partner is really saying is “I am feeling an emotion based on what just occurred and I want to share it with you.” The more you can understand about your partner, the more you can support each other, which leads to the feeling of empowerment you first felt in the relationship! I meet with lots of couples, and it is always so illuminating how far back our emotions go and the blame we tend to place on our partner for things we have been feeling long before we even met them!

Approaching an emotionally charged conversation with the intention of uncovering your partner’s emotions, the reasons they feel the way they do, and their deeper needs, shifts the atmosphere from debate and argument to understanding and connecting.

Empathy Helps Both Sides ‘Win’

Sofer begins his chapter on active listening with a quote from Hsu-T’ang Chin Yu:

“Listening with the ears is less fine than listening with the heart.”

Listening with the heart is the essence of empathy – and the essence of an intimate relationship.

I’d like to think that we do not enter into a romantic relationship to win arguments and to feel superior. For most people, an intimate relationship represents love, peace, equality, understanding, and support. Look to most any song, poem, or story and the theme of love will likely be there.

Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, says it well:

“A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth–that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.”

So, when you get bogged down in the need to be right – or the need to win – how do you honestly feel? If it’s more about your fear of being misunderstood than understanding the person in front of you, take a minute to be thoughtful about what they may have experienced based on their perspective. Once you do that, and are able to express that authentically to them, they will likely be more interested and understanding of what you have to say about why you did what you did.

Sofer writes:

“True listening allows us to appreciate the presence of a loved one or to let kindness touch us.”

He notes, importantly, that this idea applies to both positive moments and ones full of conflict. Letting kindness touch you, and seeking to understand, is empathy. You not only hear the words your partner shares, you feel them.

As you develop the skills of empathy and validation in your relationship, you will both have an opportunity to share your experiences and feelings. That leads to a win-win scenario where you each feel heard, validated and admired.

Feel free to contact me for an appointment if you would like to learn more about developing the skill of empathy in your relationships.

Sincerely,