Breaking Down Relationship Triangles

How relationship triangles fail to improve relationships

During times of high conflict with another person, we sometimes turn to a third party – a family member, coworker, friend or even a child – as a means of alleviating tension. Known in family therapy as triangulation, these relationship triangles can create a false sense of peace for one or both parties, but ultimately stand in the way of addressing issues together in a healthy way.

What is triangulation?

Triangulation occurs when someone outside the dyad unit comes into the relationship. Some common examples include:

• A parent focusing on a child as a distraction from relationship troubles
• One partner asking a family member to mediate a relationship dispute
• A friend who becomes a sounding board as one partner vents his or her relationship troubles

The above scenarios might seem harmless on the surface, but these types of relationship triangles can quickly become problematic.

Take the first scenario: When a parent treats a child as either a distraction or as a peer, that shifts the parent/child dynamic and places undue stress on the child. Research has shown triangulation to have significant effects on children’s development and personal relationships. According to Good Therapy:

“Triangled children often end up in a scapegoat position, and scapegoated children have been shown to exhibit a tendency toward rage. Research has also shown that girls drawn into marital conflicts tend to show lower levels of personal maturity. College students who had been triangled as children were also found to experience more intimacy issues than their non-triangled peers.”

Even when the third party is an adult, such as a friend or adult family member, that person can feel an intense burden as the go-to mediator or confidant. The relationship triangle usually compels the third party to take sides and that pressure can create even more tension – between the dyad and between the three individuals.

How triangulation impacts the dyad

While a third party might at first seem to ease tension between two people in conflict, triangulation may ironically solidify the conflict, and ultimately means that the original two people in conflict have not resolved an issue together, which deteriorates their relationship.

Working on a problem together and addressing issues as a team can bring you closer together with the person you are in conflict with. In fact, renowned psychology researcher Dr. John Gottman points to conflict management skills as one of the hallmarks of a successful marriage, saying:

“Although we tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness, a lasting relationship results from a couple’s ability to manage the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.”

In addition, Gottman’s research showed that couples who create a sense of shared meaning tend to be closer and happier. Creating that shared meaning can take the form of making plans together and developing a sense of purpose as a couple. Taken further, successfully problem-solving together can solidify a sense of teamwork between partners that contributes to overall shared experience.

A relationship triangle throws a third party into the mix and prevents couples from experiencing the intimacy required for shared problem-solving. Rather than solving the conflict, a third party adds a layer of complexity and confusion that can stifle a healthy relationship.

Triangulation in couples therapy

So, what about the role of a couples therapist, you ask? Isn’t couples therapy the ultimate example of a relationship triangle?

In a way, yes. A therapist working with a couple does serve as a mediator of sorts. However, the therapist will work with a couple to encourage partners to speak directly to each other. He or she will help each individual communicate rather than avoid.

A good couples therapist will not become an active, or triangulated, party in the discussion; rather, he or she will facilitate more meaningful conflict resolution and direct communication between partners.

If you choose to enter couples therapy with your partner, expect to face the issues that brought you there head-on. The therapist will help give you both communication tools for more productive conversations with your spouse. He or she will not take sides, but will help you both express your perspectives and learn to fully hear your partner’s.

If you would like to learn how to successfully manage conflict in your marriage or relationship, couples therapy can help. Contact me to learn more.

Sincerely,