Anger Management: Taking Control of Your Emotions

Emotional intelligence begins with anger management

We all feel anger from time to time, and occasionally we blow up and let that anger out. Every normal and healthy adult experiences a full range of human emotions, even the unpleasant ones like anger. However, if loved ones, friends or colleagues have told you many times to control your temper, it might be time to listen and seek out anger management techniques and classes.

Understanding Anger

Before we dive into the techniques for managing anger, let’s take a look at the mechanics of this powerful human emotion.

Like other emotions, anger begins in a part of your brain called the amygdala. This ancient brain structure evolved to help protect humans from threats and danger. It’s especially helpful if, say, you encounter a lion in the wilderness. The amygdala kicks in and reminds you that lions pose a threat and you should: a) feel fear; b) run.

How often do we encounter lions, or true dangers to our physical well-being, in modern life? Problems arise when we (or our brains) react to any conflict or situation as lion-sized dangers.

If you struggle with black and white thinking, therapy can help. Contact me to learn more. My practice serves individuals, couples, and families in the central Denver area.

MentalHelp describes it this way:

“The amygdala is the part of the brain responsible for identifying threats to our well-being, and for sending out an alarm when threats are identified that results in us taking steps to protect ourselves. The amygdala is so efficient at warning us about threats, that it gets us reacting before the cortex (the part of the brain responsible for thought and judgment) is able to check on the reasonableness of our reaction. In other words, our brains are wired in such a way as to influence us to act before we can properly consider the consequences of our actions.”

So, when your boss assigns you a project at 3 p.m. on a Friday, or your girlfriend accidentally leaves your favorite jacket in the rain, should you respond as if a lion plans to rip you to shreds? No, of course not, but often your brain will prompt you to overreact.

The signal from your brain triggers neurotransmitters and a chain reaction throughout your body that includes muscle tension, increased blood pressure, increased heart rate and faster breathing. These physiological responses build and prompt you to action, which can result in a verbal or physical outburst of anger.

Are You Entitled to Your Anger?

For many people prone to bursts of anger, a strong sense of principles often accompanies conflict.

Think back to your most recent angry outburst, and answer honestly. Did you:

• Want the other person to hear your side of the story?
• Feel strongly that you were right and the other person was wrong?
• Raise your voice, shout or act out physically because you felt wronged or unheard?
• Feel like a victim?
• Argue in order to receive some compensation for perceived unfair treatment?

A strong sense of right vs. wrong, also known as black and white thinking, can often cause people to overreact during times of conflict. You might dig in your heels and refuse to listen to the other person because you believe so strongly that you are right. You might also try to overpower the other person with your louder voice, biting words or physical aggression.

According to the American Psychological Association:

“People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take things in stride, and they’re particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.”

Sound familiar? If so, I’d like you to consider the following carefully:

• Do you have more right to your feelings and opinions than the other person?
• How does it feel to react in anger on a regular basis?

If you would like to feel better and improve your personal and professional relationships, but anger gets in the way, it’s time to think about other options.

Take Back Control of Your Emotions

Above, we touched on the idea that anger and outbursts are often about needing to feel in control of a situation. However, you don’t need to wield power over another person through angry outbursts or sullen withdrawal. Rather, you can begin to feel more in control by managing your own emotions.

Psychologists sometimes refer to this skill as emotional intelligence, and it has the power to dramatically improve your life and relationships.

According to one Psychology Today writer:

“Emotional Intelligence is a social skill that can help you become more aware and tactful in understanding handling your own emotions as well as the emotions of others. Benefits of emotional intelligence include, but are not limited to, improvements in coping, well-being, relationship satisfaction and resilience.”

Think of emotional intelligence as a superpower that allows you to read a room, connect with people on a deeper level and feel more satisfied with your life. It really does place you in the driver’s seat in your own life, and it begins with learning to manage anger.

Anger Management Techniques

1. Name the feeling. Because the anger response begins in the ancient part of your brain, simply taking time to name the emotion as it bubbles up can slow down the physiological response that would otherwise result in an outburst. It also helps you become more aware of what triggers your anger and how your body feels in the moment.
2. Take a time out. If possible, tell the other person you need a 10-minute break to calm down. Then return to the conversation and present your side in a calm, respectful tone. A break can also help when you are feeling a build-up of stress, even if nobody else is around. The key is to step away from situations that lead to increased tension, heart rate and blood pressure and stop the anger (or stress) response in its tracks.
3. Channel the energy in a positive way. Use exercise as both a preventative measure and as a cure in the moment. Regular exercise has been shown to regulate mood, so work it into your everyday routine. When you are feeling stressed or angry, you can also use exercise to burn off some of the energy that builds up during tense moments.
4. Retrain your brain. Practicing relaxation techniques can help break some knee-jerk reactions. Breathing exercises, positive visualizations, repeating positive statements (or mantras), yoga and other techniques can help you develop a more relaxed mental state over time. Try some of these strategies for men and women.
5. Find solutions. If certain situations regularly trigger anger for you, take initiative. Find practical solutions to address everyday annoyances. Traffic sends you into a rage? Start taking a new route, take the train or ride-share to work instead. Constantly fighting with your teen about homework? Hire a tutor or agree on a weekly check-in about homework vs. babysitting her through each assignment. Finding a new solution and simply making a decision has brain benefits that can improve your mood and reactions.

If you need help with anger management and/or emotional intelligence, contact me. My therapy practice serves individuals, couples and families in the greater Denver area.

Sincerely,