Navigating Compromise in Relationships

Compromise in relationships often helps build bridges between partners, parents and children, siblings and more

We’re right in the height of the holiday season, a time of year that seems to amplify conflict in many relationships. However, there are ways to ease tension with all the important people in your life throughout the year, and compromise in relationships can be a great place to start. Conflict occurs in all types of relationships: Between romantic partners, parents and children, siblings, extended family, friends, neighbors and coworkers. If it’s important to you to maintain a positive connection with all these people, then you will likely need to learn to compromise on occasion. For many of you, simply reading the word “compromise” caused you to clench your jaw and tense your shoulders. For a lot of us, compromise feels like giving in, but real compromise requires more give-and-take and should not land completely on one party.

What is real compromise?

In any relationship, you will inevitably reach a point where you don’t see perfectly eye-to-eye with the other party. When you hit that moment, you don’t need to shrug your shoulders and walk away. Nor do you need to swallow your own opinion or beliefs and let the other person’s side prevail. A real compromise will allow you to maintain your individual integrity while also respecting the other person. The goal of any compromise is to heal tension and to move past conflict that prevents positive interactions between you and the other person. To quote pop band Maroon 5, “It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. It’s compromise that moves us along.” That simple song lyric beautifully sums up human relationships. We love the positive moments with our partners, loved ones and friends, but we don’t experience only positive (rainbows and butterflies) interactions with them. We’re all human, which means we all have bad days, difficult experiences and challenges that can affect those around us. Compromise often means acknowledging those human foibles in our loved ones. It means taking a step back from our own perspective to better understand theirs. It means softening enough to listen and have a conversation rather than digging in our heels and trying to “win.”

At the heart of compromise in relationships

If you search for inspirational quotes about compromise, you will find several telling you to “never compromise yourself” or “strong people don’t compromise.” We can take these ideas as instructions to stay strong, to be ourselves and to believe in our personal values, goals and actions. That’s great advice, but we live in a world with other people. Human beings, in fact, need other people; and, when you enter into a relationship with another person, conflict happens. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, bruised egos and mismatched agendas happen. So, if you’re busy maintaining a strong, uncompromising persona, you’re also likely damaging relationships with the people you care about most. Again, you don’t need to be someone you’re not and just blindly agree with others in order to have healthy relationships, but you do need to let others in. As relationship expert John Gottman advised couples, you need to allow your partner to influence you. A writer for Psychcentral explains:

“Research by Dr. John Gottman has found that relationships are more successful when we allow ourselves to be influenced by each other. Love asks us to see another person as they are and be responsive to them.”

In other words, compromise in relationships involves an underlying respect and understanding of the other person. That principle applies to romantic relationships as well as those with each important person in our lives. It takes a certain amount of maturity to recognize that an argument or disagreement can indicate a need or longing in the other person. When you approach a tense or angry moment with an open heart, in the spirit of compromise, you can begin to hear the other person’s need rather than taking the argument as a personal attack.

Examples of relationship conflict and compromise

Let’s take a look at a few hypothetical examples:

Your partner gets upset that you went out for drinks with your coworkers rather than coming straight home.

Your knee-jerk response might be that your partner is trying to control you, while your goal is to maintain beneficial connections with your colleagues. However, your partner might feel lonely and longing for quality time with you. Compromise begins with hearing your partner’s true need or longing: attention and quality time. You, in turn, express your goals related to networking and advancing your career. Then, together, you can work on a plan that meets both of your needs (date night once per week and networking on an alternate night, for example).

Your brother gives your parents an expensive gift, breaking your mutually agreed-upon spending limit.

Research shows that sibling rivalry can last well into adulthood, and it can come out in a variety of ways. Your brother’s extravagant gift could stem from feelings of inadequacy or sibling rivalry that began in childhood. He might want to show off his success to your parents, and maybe he’s looking for a little recognition and love. In the case of sibling rivalry, your challenge is to separate your sibling bond from the relationship each of you has with your parents. Focus on your personal relationship with your sibling and seek to understand his motivations for breaking your agreement. Communicate how not honoring the agreement hurt you, but acknowledge any vulnerabilities he might share that are not a direct reflection on you. While the rivalry might never go away completely, you can learn to see your siblings in a new light, and you can choose to forge a new relationship with them as adults.

A friend complains that she always has to call you and always has to initiate plans to get together.

These friend conversations often blindside the other party. You’ve been busy with work deadlines, kids, stressing about your parents’ health and just trying to get by. Your time with friends is often your respite from the storm, but you’re just trying to survive lately, so friend time takes a hit. If the friendship is a healthy one, and an important relationship to you, try to hear your friend’s accusation as a call to stay close. She values you, and time with you, and she needs to know that you feel the same about her. Compromise with friends is often as simple as clearing the air. Communicate that you do value her and love seeing her, but share honestly that your time is limited. Work to create a plan that allows you to maintain a friendship, but gives you the breathing room you need to manage other life priorities.

When not to compromise

I alluded to it in a few places above, but it’s worth saying outright: Some relationships do not warrant compromise. If any of the following apply to your relationships, consider ending the relationship or seek the advice of a trained therapist:

• Emotional, sexual, or physical abuse
• Substance abuse
• Only negative interactions and no positive ones
• Heavy amounts of guilt or obligation

Talking through a strained or toxic relationship in the safe space of counseling can often answer many questions for individuals or families.

Final thoughts

Many relationship conflicts can be healed through better communication and bridge-building. Healthy compromise that respects the wants and needs of both parties can serve as one tool to improve many of the important relationships in your life. Remember that compromise does not mean giving in, but it does mean stepping back and changing your personal perspective in order to mend a rift with your loved one.

Contact me to learn more about the benefits of therapy. My practice serves individuals, couples, and families in the central Denver area.

Sincerely,